Self esteem is core to what we experience in life. It can affect the quality of our relationships, the work we do, our well-being, our finances and more. Yet so many of us suffer from a chronic lack of self worth that can hold us back from really thriving in life. We can feel unworthy, not good enough, small, disempowered, and that this can never change.
How then to cultivate self esteem so as to create what we long for in life?
Often self-esteem is spoken of as how we value and perceive ourselves, making it seem like it’s a state of mind and therefore something that can be changed by thinking alone.
However in my work as a Somatic therapist, I find again and again that self-esteem can have its roots in our very early life, and what we experienced as an infant. If there is not enough care and attention to us as little ones, then as a child, we tend to make that our fault. “I must be wrong, if mum doesn’t see or answer my needs”. “I must be bad if dad does not see me or understand me”.
As young infants, it’s just not safe for us to find fault with our parents, on whom we depend for our very survival, so we make ourselves wrong instead. We withdraw and contract around a wounded sense of self that feels inherently wrong and unworthy. Self esteem, therefore, can be rooted in our very early experience of love and attunement, often forming before we even had words. It is of course compounded by layers of later life experience- personal, family and cultural- but fundamentally these early years are crucial to our development and our sense of self worth.
If you lack self esteem, as many of us do, how to transform this very painful feeling? Whilst this topic has many layers to it, I suggest that one way to start is to meet the little one within us, and listening for her experience, is key. Holding this vulnerable part of us, compassionately and attentively. Really coming to know this part of ourselves somatically, in our body, feelings, and perceptions. We feel lack of love viscerally as a deep rupture with a parent is a primal, often non verbal experience. This wound gets stored in our bodies as a body contraction as well as a painful emotion, something our conscious minds may not even be aware of. Do you find for example, that you withdraw from eye contact with others? Or find yourself in patterns of procrastination, never fully getting traction in what you want to create in life? Or, that you get stuck in the same cycling patterns in relationships? This could be related to this core, young wound.
To transform self esteem is to begin to shine a light on these wounded parts, with the compassionate presence of the resourced adult self. As we attune to this part of ourselves, cradling this younger self and giving her the love she so longed for, gradually the reflex of low self esteem can begin to unwind. We can re-pattern through love, rather than trying to change our minds alone, which in my experience, never really lasts longterm.
This isn’t about denying a part of ourselves, and trying to make it shiny and new, but instead, offering it the compassionate, loving presence that it needed so desperately at the time. This foundational well-being can enable us to dive more deeply into what is ” self”. As the ego wounds are tended to, it can allow more space for the soul to unfold.
As you transform your relationship to yourself, just watch as life begins to transform around you. My own life has transformed by attuning to the part of me that has felt unloveable, and holding it in loving presence. I’ve attracted a healthy, loving relationship after years of recycling old destructive patterns, as well as feeling my confidence grow in sharing the gifts that I was given, in service to the wellbeing of others.
Self esteem grows from loving presence, just like a plant receives nutrients and then blossoms and grows.
I hope that this is helpful. If you’d like to explore this further, feel welcome to book a Somatic therapy session with me on 085 155 2233, or post your reflections below.
With love,
Aisling
