What is self esteem and why does it matter?
And why do many self help approaches fail to help?
Given that self esteem is so related what we feel we deserve in life- our relationships, our work, our finances etc…how can we cultivate the self esteem we need to have quality of life, on all these levels?
Often self-esteem is spoken of as how we value and perceive ourselves, making it seem like it’s a state of mind and therefore something that can be changed by thinking alone.
However in my work as a Somatic therapist, I find again and again that self-esteem has its roots in our very early life, and how much we felt loved as a child. If there is not enough care and attention to us as little ones, then as a child, we tend to make that our fault. “I must be bad if mummy doesn’t see me”. “There must be something wrong with me is dad is too busy to take time with me”. We do this as children because it’s just not safe to find fault with our parents, on whom we depend for our very survival. Self esteem, therefore, is rooted in our experience of love and attunement that begins in our very earliest years, before we even had words.
If you lack self esteem, how transform this very painful negative sense of oneself? Meeting the little one in us, and listening for her experience, is key. Holding this vulnerable part of us, compassionately and attentively. Really sensing this part of ourselves somatically, in our body, feelings, and perceptions. This is because we feel lack of love viscerally, as a deep rupture with a parent is a primal, often non verbal experience, and this wound gets stored in our bodies as a contraction and as a painful emotion, something our conscious minds may not even be aware of.
As we attune to this younger part of ourselves, cradling this younger self and giving this part of us the love they so longed for, gradually the reflex of low self esteem can begin to unwind. We can re-pattern through love, rather than trying to think ourselves out of it, which in my experience, never really works that deeply.
This isn’t about denying a part of ourselves, and trying to make it shiny and new, but instead, offering it the compassionate, loving presence that it needed so desperately at the time.
As we transform our relationship to ourselves, just watch as life begins to transform around us. In my own life, I’ve attracted a healthy, loving relationship after years of recycling old destructive patterns, as well as feeling my confidence grow in sharing the gifts that I was given, in service to the wellbeing of others.
I hope that this is helpful. If you’d like to explore this further, feel welcome to book a Somatic therapy session with me on 085 155 2233, or post your reflections below.
With love,
Aisling
